governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
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Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.