If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
You Might Also Like
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
Tough love is true love
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
…
…
…
…
…
2015: Taco Emoji!
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier