I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
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Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird