Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
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do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
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How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
If snakes were wide
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?