PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
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if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
[canadians at you, canadianly]
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
My circle of trust is a meatball
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…