Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
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Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.