Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
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Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
Imagine having a party on purpose.
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine