Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
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[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
Life is a suicide mission.
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.