No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
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This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.