The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
You Might Also Like
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
LMAO.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”