The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
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Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
this is how life feels
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
Something Saturday.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question