“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
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Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?