INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
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Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil