In space, no one can hear…
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Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.