Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
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My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees