thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
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Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
This is the best one I’ve seen
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse