At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
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me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
Yup.
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
notice
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.