Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
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[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?