My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
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I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
🤣dope
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep