I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
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Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
12653.
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
A game married people play.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.