[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
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The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth