WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
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When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.