[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
You Might Also Like
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Today’s Times
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.