Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
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When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
yea so i messed up lol
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes