A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
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It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
I need this for my side hustle.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
Meow
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.