The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
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Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
“no gods no masters” = leo
Skills
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.