A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
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Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.