You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
You Might Also Like
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
Happy weekend !
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.