Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
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I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee