TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
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FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”