“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
You Might Also Like
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
😅😅😅
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
accidentally got hired at a bakery today. came in for a cinnamon roll during rush hour and left 4 hours later with a dozen donuts and $60 cash. not really sure what happened in between those two events. i believe my life is a video game
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.