‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
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[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.