When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
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I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??