My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
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Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
thanks auntie mary
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran