This sounds bad:
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i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough