Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
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good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.