If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
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My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
We’ve all been there
<- sleeps well with others
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
I gave up going to work for lent.
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.