The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
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i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
Hell yeah 👍
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.