5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
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” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.