FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
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Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
White Castle for the Win
She was rare, like a goth jogging
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.