I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
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Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
Don’t tell me what to do
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”