Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
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Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
I bet
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
bugs when you lift up a rock