do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
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triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
I created you as mosquito food.
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught