Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
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“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
This is my emotional support knife.
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
Erm I’m gonna say no
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.