Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
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Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Why is no one talking about this?!
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
this isn’t threatening at all
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.