Bite me again
– my bottom lip
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My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
😂🤣😂🤣
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?