[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
You Might Also Like
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
You’ll be OK
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Life with a cat in one tweet
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math