I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
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After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
Every work meeting this week
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!