My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
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From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most