This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
You Might Also Like
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?